A Mother on Father's Day

Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed on us...

I John 3:1

Father's Day is kinda fun for moms.  We're off the hook as a topic for the sermon, while our husbands get to be in the hot seat (as we were for Mother's Day) and we get to apply our elbow to our spouse's ribs at appropriate times to make sure that they are listening to the pastor on certain points that we've mentioned (okay, maybe nagged a little about) for most of the year. But for the most part, we just take a back seat and try to make sure that our hubbies have a special day.

However, as women, Father's Day is really more of a big deal than we may realize.  After all, this day also reminds us of our own fathers and the impact (for good or evil) that they had on our lives.  In fact, many psychologists believe that there is no greater influence on a young girl's emotional development than the father.  Studies show that the daughters of absent or indifferent fathers frequently turn out to be promiscuous, seeking attention outside the home that they never received from their dads.

Having grown up watching ideal fathers on shows like "Father Knows Best," "Leave It To Beaver," and "Little House on the Prairie," many of us realized pretty quickly that our own dads fell short of the mark. Real life can't compete with fiction, where dads never seem to have bad days or short tempers.  Fathers, being human, make mistakes- some bigger than others.  Most of us have, at one time or another, felt rejected, unloved, or hurt by our fathers. 

But Father's Day shouldn't be a time when we wallow in self pity because our childhood was less than perfect.  Instead, it should be a celebration! Because no matter what our earthly father was like, as Christians we have a perfect heavenly Father.  Not only does God love us just the way we are, but He created us just as we are and (like everything in His creation) He saw that it was good. So no matter how unloved and lonely we may sometimes feel, we can be assured that our Father loves us with an everlasting love and He will never, ever leave us.

Father's Day never fails to remind me that my heavenly Father loves me so much that He gave His only Son for me. So despite the fact that Mother's Day is supposed to be my own special day, I have to admit that Father's Day is pretty awesome, too.

Unlocking the Male Mind

Be of one mind; live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.

II Corinthians 13:11b

 

 

As a newlywed, I came upon my husband sitting on the sofa and looking pensively out the window.

 

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

 

"Nothing." He responded.

 

"No, really," I told him. "What were you thinking about?"

 

"I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"Well, if you don't want to tell me what you were thinking about, just say you don't want to tell me."

 

"There's nothing to tell because I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"You can't just be not thinking.  It isn't possible!"

 

Had this conversation in your home?  Over the years, it occurred numerous times.  Each time I wondered why he didn't want to tell me what he was thinking. Why didn't he want to open up to me? Was he hiding something from me? Did he feel that he couldn't share his deepest thoughts with me? I worried about this for a long time, until I learned a very important truth: Men can be thinking about nothing!

 

This was quite a revelation to me because, as is true with most women, I am always thinking about something.  In fact, there is no way that I can shut down my brain, even when I want to.  If I have a falling out with a friend or co-worker, that conversation replays in my mind over and over again. I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

 

Have you ever gone to bed after a fight with your husband, when things haven't been completely resolved?  You lie there in the dark, your mind going over every word that he said, every word that you said, and all the things that you wished you had (or hadn't) said.  In the meantime, your husband begins snoring; as though completely unfazed over the conflict.  Now, you are even more upset than before because you obviously married a man who is indifferent to the fact that your marriage is in crisis.

 

The reality is that, no matter how upset he may be by the situation, your husband's mind was created so that he can mentally close the door on most of his day-to-day problems; allowing him to fall asleep. Though it may be infuriating that our husbands can just zone out when they want to; it is the way that God made them.

 

The realization that my husband's ability to quickly fall asleep after an argument did not mean that our relationship was not as important to him as it was to me.  After all, if I had the choice, wouldn't I be glad to turn off my brain and just go to sleep.  I couldn't blame him just because he could and I couldn't. Instead, I started making a conscious effort to accept that this was just another one of those differences that God created within us.

 

I like to visualize the male mind as a submarine.  If one of the compartments in the ship begins flooding, that compartment can be sealed off.  This enables the ship to continue functioning despite the damaged area.  Our husband's mind is the same way.  If one part of his life (whether financial troubles, marital conflicts, or a crisis at work) is under stress, he can shut off the part of his brain that deals with that problem so that he can continue to function in other areas.  Like the submarine, that damaged area will eventually need attention, but until he has the time and resources to fix the problem, it is sealed away so that he can continue to function in the other areas of his life.

One word of caution.  If one of those compartments in your husband's brain is sealed off, don't try to pry it open.  If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, he really means it. Talking about a problem does not help men to deal with a problem- not in the way that it does for women.  Which is why most men dread hearing those terrible four words from their wives- "We need to talk."

Next week, I'll be talking about the differences in the way that men and women talk and, hopefully, provide a couple of insights into what men really think about talking.

 

 

 

 



Mind Games

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him;

male and female created he them.

Genesis 1:27

 

The way that we think will ultimately affect our decision making. Men are primarily linear thinkers.  You can visualize that style of thinking by picturing points on a straight line. Let's look at an example of how linear thinking works in making a decision:

At soccer practice on Friday, Jimmy asks his dad if he can spend the night with his friend, Tommy.  His dad reasons that since there is no school tomorrow and the family has no plans until Saturday night, it would be fine for Jimmy to spend the night with Tommy.

Women, on the other hand, are concentric thinkers.  Think of points along an infinite number of concentric circles. For those who hate math, think of it as a pebble dropped into a pond, producing ever extending circles that radiate outwardly from the center. 

At soccer practice on Friday, Jimmy asks his mom if he can spend the night with his friend, Tommy.  Mom's first circle of thinking deals with scheduling. Like Dad, she reasons that there is no school tomorrow and nothing on the family calendar until Saturday night, but unlike Dad, her thoughts continue to circle.  Jimmy has a science project due on Monday, which he has continued to put off. What with the stay at Tommy's house, the family event on Saturday night, and church on Sunday; that only leaves Sunday afternoon to finish the project.  Besides, with so many extra-curricular activities, the family has had precious little time together.  Then, there is the whole subject of Tommy and his family.  Tommy's parents hardly ever attend church and their ideas of suitable movies are not at all what Mom approves off.  She really thinks that Tommy is a bad influence on Jimmy and would prefer to discourage that friendship.  In the end, Mom decides that it wouldn't be a good idea for Jimmy to spend the night.

These very diverse ways of thinking can often cause a lot of difficulty in a marriage when it comes to communicating. When dealing with an issue, the husband sees the problem, determines a goal, and then outlines the steps needed to reach that goal.  The wife, however, must cycle the problem through each of her concentric circles.  She must verbalize how she feels about the problem, what she thinks the consequences of the problem might be (both now and in the future), how the problem might affect their children, how it has impacted her in the past, and even whether the problem is really the real problem. Because she thinks concentrically, she may jump from one circle to the other throughout the conversation. 

To the husband, it is like watching a circus performer spinning plates.  You seem to be running from plate to plate and, just when you get one really going, you run over to another plate and start all over again.  In his mind, it is confusing and chaotic and, like the whole spinning plate performance, he just doesn't see the point of it.

As wives, we wonder how a man can be so successful in his job and so totally clueless at home.  I've even had wives confide to me that, at times, they wonder if their husbands have suffered from a blow to their head that has left them brain damaged.

The reality is that it has nothing to do with intellect and everything to do with the differences in the way that men and women think. Fortunately, just as we are capable of learning a foreign language, it is possible for us to learn to understand the language of the opposite sex.  By learning more about the differences in our way of thinking, you have taken the first step in breaking the language barrier.

Next week, I'll be looking at more differences in the way that we think and how a better understanding of our husband's brain will help us to have a better relationship.

Embracing the Differences

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him;

male and female created he them.

Genesis 1:27

 

 

"Honey, where's the peanut butter?" My husband yells from the kitchen.

 

"It's on the second shelf of the pantry," I tell him, as though that isn't where I have kept it for the last ten years.

 

"We must be out," he responds. "I'm looking on the second shelf and its not here."

 

"It is there," I say. "I just opened a new jar yesterday."

 

"Well, it's not here now!"

 

Finally, I put down my work and head to the kitchen.  My husband is standing at the pantry door, scanning the shelves.  Walking up, I point to the jar of peanut butter, which is prominently displayed on the second shelf.

 

"Oh," he says, sheepishly. "I didn't see it."

 

I'm far from being alone in this experience.  Nearly every wife has gone through this scenario at some time or another.  It used to be a source of aggravation to me, until I began to learn about how the male mind works and how totally different it is from the way a woman's mind works. This difference in how we think directly impacts the way that we communicate.

 

A recent study showed that men typically use only the left side of their brain when communicating. (No, that does not mean that they are not in their right mind most of the time!)  Women, on the other hand, usually use both sides of their brain when interacting with others.  The left side of the brain is predominantly analytical while the right side is predominantly creative. 

 

Because of this, there is a distinctive difference in the way that the two sexes think.  The easiest way to understand these differences is to picture men as linear thinkers (as in points along a straight line) and women as concentric thinkers (as in points within concentric circles).  It also means that, in any situation, a man, using the left-side of his brain, will want "just the facts, ma'am." While a woman will take those facts (left brain) and look at all the possible outcomes (right brain).

 

Let's just use the illustration above to show how this applies to daily life. The husband decides to make a sandwich and goes to the pantry for the peanut butter. His analytical mind pictures the jar of peanut butter and his eyes begin scanning for that image.  Now, if the jar differs in any way from the image that he has in his mind (i.e. different size, different color, different packaging, or partially obscured by the mayonnaise), he literally cannot identify it as peanut butter. 

 

Women, on the other hand, begin with that same approach, but they are able to use the creative, right-side of their brain to extrapolate changes to that original image. So even if the peanut butter has a new label or is barely peeping out from behind the mayonnaise, we can quickly locate and identify it.

 

The ability to use both sides of the brain makes women especially gifted in taking care of children.  If a child picks up a jagged piece of metal, we immediately see a number of possible dangers related to that piece of metal. If a boy climbs a tree, we understand the potential for him to get stuck and we understand the potential for him to fall out of the tree. In fact, in any situation, we may assess a dozen or more possible consequences for one single action.

 

The male mind approaches things very differently. He sees a boy climbing a tree and thinks of the goal- reaching the top.  Instead of considering possible negative consequences, he looks at the steps of action needed to reach the goal; put your foot on that branch, take hold of that limb.  Failure isn't something that he dwells on.

 

As a mother, we may get very annoyed at a husband's inability to recognize possible dangers, but for a man to think like us could be potentially devastating.  In a crisis situation, a man does not need his brain flooded with images of all the horrific things that could happen to him or it might paralyze him in a situation that requires him to defend himself, his family, or his country.

 

An example of this occurred on September 11, 2001 at the Twin Towers.  Despite the overwhelming potential for personal injury and death, 340 male firefighters laid down their lives by rushing into the doomed buildings to try to rescue those inside. Now, that doesn't mean that women don't perform acts of heroism, as well; just as they did on September 11th.  In extraordinary circumstances, both sexes have the potential for great acts of courage in the face of danger.

 

The point is that God has created us uniquely as male and female.  By understanding and embracing those differences, we can build stronger and more satisfying relationships with the opposite sex. Today we looked at one aspect of the way that we think.  Next week, I'll be explaining how the differences in linear and concentric thinking makes communication between the sexes a challenge. 

Breaking the Language Barrier

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way..."   
 I Peter 3:7

On a recent mission trip, one of the ladies on the team was trying to communicate with our driver, who didn't understand a word of English. When the driver gave her a blank look and shook his head in confusion, the woman began the entire conversation again- only this time she said it louder, as though the increased volume would somehow break the language barrier. After several minutes of this, the woman and the driver finally gave up in frustration; the woman annoyed because the driver didn't understand her and the driver upset because he couldn't figure out why the woman was yelling at him.

It wasn't until later that it struck me that this same scene is acted out in many marriages on a regular basis. I'm not talking about multi-cultural marriages; I'm talking about marriages in which both the husband and the wife speak English. It may seem strange that there would be a language barrier between two people speaking the same language, but the truth is that men and women approach communication very differently.  I can't count how many times I have seen a wife trying to express something to her husband, but he just doesn't seem to get it. "How can you not understand what I'm saying?" She asks in frustration. "I'm speaking English!"

How can two people, who speak the same language, have so much trouble communicating? The answer lies in the inherent differences between the sexes.  The reality is that women think, feel, and communicate in ways that are unique to their sex.  A great deal of the conflict in a marriage arises from the fact that we assume that the opposite sex is just like us (except for the obvious physical differences).  Actually, there are more differences than similarities; a fact which can be a blessing or a curse, depending upon the couple's ability to understand and embrace those differences.

Over the next few weeks, I will be looking at some of the differences between the sexes and how a better understanding of those differences can help you to alleviate the conflicts that you may be experiencing in your marriage or in the way that you interact with the opposite sex.  I hope that you will join me each week as we explore the mystery of God's creation: Man.