Ham and Eggs Marriage

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, not unto men.

Colossians 3:23

 

 

It occurred to me, while eating breakfast the other day, that we can learn a lot about marriage from this little meal. Now you might not think that we can find spiritual inspiration in what we eat, but there are lessons to be learned in even the most mundane of God's creation.  For me, my revelation came from ham and eggs.

 

You see, it occurred to me that we enter into a marriage with a certain level of commitment.  We tend to approach our marriage as either the pig or chicken does toward our breakfast. If we are like the chicken, we make positive contributions to our marriage, just like the chicken does with our breakfast by providing eggs.  We invest in the relationship, but within limits.

 

The pig, on the other hand, displays a level of commitment that the chicken fails to reach.  By becoming the delicious ham on our plate, the pig shows that it is giving itself whole-heartedly to the breakfast.  There is no possibility of walking away from the commitment; the pig is "all in." It has literally laid down its life for the relationship.

 

So the next time that you sit down to enjoy a breakfast of ham and eggs, take the time to think about your attitude toward your marriage.  Have you given yourself wholeheartedly to the marriage or are you holding back?  Are you a chicken or a pig?

 

 

Do Not Disturb

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice,

 and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Revelation 3:20

Of all the verses in the Bible, this one is probably the most misapplied.  We hear it used often at revivals.  We have probably used it ourselves when sharing Christ with the lost.  However, what many Christians don't realize is that this verse was intended for believers rather than for the lost.

Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that we cannot use this verse when leading someone to the Lord.  However, since Jesus was speaking to us, the Church, when He said this; surely it is vital that we look at what He said in that context.  Jesus is knocking at the door of the Christian's heart (our heart) and asking to come in.  How can that be?, we may ask ourselves. As a believer, we have already accepted Him into our hearts.  Why would Jesus need to tell us that He is standing at our heart's door and knocking to come in?  The reason is that many of us have hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on our heart.

Why would a believer hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign on their heart?  The answer is simple enough: We are afraid of what Jesus might ask us to do.  After all, if we open our hearts completely to God, He may ask us to risk our jobs by witnessing to a lost co-worker.  Or He may question the emphasis that we place on our children's sports programs.  If we answer the knock on our heart, Jesus might come in and interrupt our weekly schedule- and that might mean missing our favorite TV show or the time we spend with our favorite hobby.  Opening that door might invite Jesus to begin messing with our finances; and do we really want to answer to Him about how we are spending our money?  Even worse, He may ask us to re-evaluate into whose hands we have placed the education of our children- and why.

Face it, opening the door to our hearts is scary.  There is just no telling where it might take you, but I do know this:  Opening the door to Christ will take you off that sofa and into a dark, lost world.  It will bring you hardships and sorrow- and you may never be able to call another minute your own.  But by letting Christ in, you will begin to have the kind of spiritual relationship that you were meant to have.  So throw open that door and let Christ use you to change the world.

Gotta go.  I think I hear someone knocking at the door...

Unlocking the Male Mind

Be of one mind; live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.

II Corinthians 13:11b

 

 

As a newlywed, I came upon my husband sitting on the sofa and looking pensively out the window.

 

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

 

"Nothing." He responded.

 

"No, really," I told him. "What were you thinking about?"

 

"I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"Well, if you don't want to tell me what you were thinking about, just say you don't want to tell me."

 

"There's nothing to tell because I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"You can't just be not thinking.  It isn't possible!"

 

Had this conversation in your home?  Over the years, it occurred numerous times.  Each time I wondered why he didn't want to tell me what he was thinking. Why didn't he want to open up to me? Was he hiding something from me? Did he feel that he couldn't share his deepest thoughts with me? I worried about this for a long time, until I learned a very important truth: Men can be thinking about nothing!

 

This was quite a revelation to me because, as is true with most women, I am always thinking about something.  In fact, there is no way that I can shut down my brain, even when I want to.  If I have a falling out with a friend or co-worker, that conversation replays in my mind over and over again. I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

 

Have you ever gone to bed after a fight with your husband, when things haven't been completely resolved?  You lie there in the dark, your mind going over every word that he said, every word that you said, and all the things that you wished you had (or hadn't) said.  In the meantime, your husband begins snoring; as though completely unfazed over the conflict.  Now, you are even more upset than before because you obviously married a man who is indifferent to the fact that your marriage is in crisis.

 

The reality is that, no matter how upset he may be by the situation, your husband's mind was created so that he can mentally close the door on most of his day-to-day problems; allowing him to fall asleep. Though it may be infuriating that our husbands can just zone out when they want to; it is the way that God made them.

 

The realization that my husband's ability to quickly fall asleep after an argument did not mean that our relationship was not as important to him as it was to me.  After all, if I had the choice, wouldn't I be glad to turn off my brain and just go to sleep.  I couldn't blame him just because he could and I couldn't. Instead, I started making a conscious effort to accept that this was just another one of those differences that God created within us.

 

I like to visualize the male mind as a submarine.  If one of the compartments in the ship begins flooding, that compartment can be sealed off.  This enables the ship to continue functioning despite the damaged area.  Our husband's mind is the same way.  If one part of his life (whether financial troubles, marital conflicts, or a crisis at work) is under stress, he can shut off the part of his brain that deals with that problem so that he can continue to function in other areas.  Like the submarine, that damaged area will eventually need attention, but until he has the time and resources to fix the problem, it is sealed away so that he can continue to function in the other areas of his life.

One word of caution.  If one of those compartments in your husband's brain is sealed off, don't try to pry it open.  If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, he really means it. Talking about a problem does not help men to deal with a problem- not in the way that it does for women.  Which is why most men dread hearing those terrible four words from their wives- "We need to talk."

Next week, I'll be talking about the differences in the way that men and women talk and, hopefully, provide a couple of insights into what men really think about talking.

 

 

 

 



Mind Games

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him;

male and female created he them.

Genesis 1:27

 

The way that we think will ultimately affect our decision making. Men are primarily linear thinkers.  You can visualize that style of thinking by picturing points on a straight line. Let's look at an example of how linear thinking works in making a decision:

At soccer practice on Friday, Jimmy asks his dad if he can spend the night with his friend, Tommy.  His dad reasons that since there is no school tomorrow and the family has no plans until Saturday night, it would be fine for Jimmy to spend the night with Tommy.

Women, on the other hand, are concentric thinkers.  Think of points along an infinite number of concentric circles. For those who hate math, think of it as a pebble dropped into a pond, producing ever extending circles that radiate outwardly from the center. 

At soccer practice on Friday, Jimmy asks his mom if he can spend the night with his friend, Tommy.  Mom's first circle of thinking deals with scheduling. Like Dad, she reasons that there is no school tomorrow and nothing on the family calendar until Saturday night, but unlike Dad, her thoughts continue to circle.  Jimmy has a science project due on Monday, which he has continued to put off. What with the stay at Tommy's house, the family event on Saturday night, and church on Sunday; that only leaves Sunday afternoon to finish the project.  Besides, with so many extra-curricular activities, the family has had precious little time together.  Then, there is the whole subject of Tommy and his family.  Tommy's parents hardly ever attend church and their ideas of suitable movies are not at all what Mom approves off.  She really thinks that Tommy is a bad influence on Jimmy and would prefer to discourage that friendship.  In the end, Mom decides that it wouldn't be a good idea for Jimmy to spend the night.

These very diverse ways of thinking can often cause a lot of difficulty in a marriage when it comes to communicating. When dealing with an issue, the husband sees the problem, determines a goal, and then outlines the steps needed to reach that goal.  The wife, however, must cycle the problem through each of her concentric circles.  She must verbalize how she feels about the problem, what she thinks the consequences of the problem might be (both now and in the future), how the problem might affect their children, how it has impacted her in the past, and even whether the problem is really the real problem. Because she thinks concentrically, she may jump from one circle to the other throughout the conversation. 

To the husband, it is like watching a circus performer spinning plates.  You seem to be running from plate to plate and, just when you get one really going, you run over to another plate and start all over again.  In his mind, it is confusing and chaotic and, like the whole spinning plate performance, he just doesn't see the point of it.

As wives, we wonder how a man can be so successful in his job and so totally clueless at home.  I've even had wives confide to me that, at times, they wonder if their husbands have suffered from a blow to their head that has left them brain damaged.

The reality is that it has nothing to do with intellect and everything to do with the differences in the way that men and women think. Fortunately, just as we are capable of learning a foreign language, it is possible for us to learn to understand the language of the opposite sex.  By learning more about the differences in our way of thinking, you have taken the first step in breaking the language barrier.

Next week, I'll be looking at more differences in the way that we think and how a better understanding of our husband's brain will help us to have a better relationship.

Breaking the Language Barrier

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way..."   
 I Peter 3:7

On a recent mission trip, one of the ladies on the team was trying to communicate with our driver, who didn't understand a word of English. When the driver gave her a blank look and shook his head in confusion, the woman began the entire conversation again- only this time she said it louder, as though the increased volume would somehow break the language barrier. After several minutes of this, the woman and the driver finally gave up in frustration; the woman annoyed because the driver didn't understand her and the driver upset because he couldn't figure out why the woman was yelling at him.

It wasn't until later that it struck me that this same scene is acted out in many marriages on a regular basis. I'm not talking about multi-cultural marriages; I'm talking about marriages in which both the husband and the wife speak English. It may seem strange that there would be a language barrier between two people speaking the same language, but the truth is that men and women approach communication very differently.  I can't count how many times I have seen a wife trying to express something to her husband, but he just doesn't seem to get it. "How can you not understand what I'm saying?" She asks in frustration. "I'm speaking English!"

How can two people, who speak the same language, have so much trouble communicating? The answer lies in the inherent differences between the sexes.  The reality is that women think, feel, and communicate in ways that are unique to their sex.  A great deal of the conflict in a marriage arises from the fact that we assume that the opposite sex is just like us (except for the obvious physical differences).  Actually, there are more differences than similarities; a fact which can be a blessing or a curse, depending upon the couple's ability to understand and embrace those differences.

Over the next few weeks, I will be looking at some of the differences between the sexes and how a better understanding of those differences can help you to alleviate the conflicts that you may be experiencing in your marriage or in the way that you interact with the opposite sex.  I hope that you will join me each week as we explore the mystery of God's creation: Man.