Unlocking the Male Mind

Be of one mind; live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.

II Corinthians 13:11b

 

 

As a newlywed, I came upon my husband sitting on the sofa and looking pensively out the window.

 

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

 

"Nothing." He responded.

 

"No, really," I told him. "What were you thinking about?"

 

"I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"Well, if you don't want to tell me what you were thinking about, just say you don't want to tell me."

 

"There's nothing to tell because I wasn't thinking about anything."

 

"You can't just be not thinking.  It isn't possible!"

 

Had this conversation in your home?  Over the years, it occurred numerous times.  Each time I wondered why he didn't want to tell me what he was thinking. Why didn't he want to open up to me? Was he hiding something from me? Did he feel that he couldn't share his deepest thoughts with me? I worried about this for a long time, until I learned a very important truth: Men can be thinking about nothing!

 

This was quite a revelation to me because, as is true with most women, I am always thinking about something.  In fact, there is no way that I can shut down my brain, even when I want to.  If I have a falling out with a friend or co-worker, that conversation replays in my mind over and over again. I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

 

Have you ever gone to bed after a fight with your husband, when things haven't been completely resolved?  You lie there in the dark, your mind going over every word that he said, every word that you said, and all the things that you wished you had (or hadn't) said.  In the meantime, your husband begins snoring; as though completely unfazed over the conflict.  Now, you are even more upset than before because you obviously married a man who is indifferent to the fact that your marriage is in crisis.

 

The reality is that, no matter how upset he may be by the situation, your husband's mind was created so that he can mentally close the door on most of his day-to-day problems; allowing him to fall asleep. Though it may be infuriating that our husbands can just zone out when they want to; it is the way that God made them.

 

The realization that my husband's ability to quickly fall asleep after an argument did not mean that our relationship was not as important to him as it was to me.  After all, if I had the choice, wouldn't I be glad to turn off my brain and just go to sleep.  I couldn't blame him just because he could and I couldn't. Instead, I started making a conscious effort to accept that this was just another one of those differences that God created within us.

 

I like to visualize the male mind as a submarine.  If one of the compartments in the ship begins flooding, that compartment can be sealed off.  This enables the ship to continue functioning despite the damaged area.  Our husband's mind is the same way.  If one part of his life (whether financial troubles, marital conflicts, or a crisis at work) is under stress, he can shut off the part of his brain that deals with that problem so that he can continue to function in other areas.  Like the submarine, that damaged area will eventually need attention, but until he has the time and resources to fix the problem, it is sealed away so that he can continue to function in the other areas of his life.

One word of caution.  If one of those compartments in your husband's brain is sealed off, don't try to pry it open.  If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, he really means it. Talking about a problem does not help men to deal with a problem- not in the way that it does for women.  Which is why most men dread hearing those terrible four words from their wives- "We need to talk."

Next week, I'll be talking about the differences in the way that men and women talk and, hopefully, provide a couple of insights into what men really think about talking.